Toward true Love: More Than Just a Partner

Here is the first piece of “True Love” which is a series of short articles, reflections, and testimonies exploring the multifaceted nature of love. These pieces aim to answer common questions from queer individuals who reach out to us, while also breaking the taboos surrounding queer love in Africa.

The most common message we receive in our emails and social media is “I need a boyfriend/partner.” Although we are neither a dating platform nor a dating agency, we do understand this feeling deeply. Most of us have been there and know exactly how, in our closets or early coming out stages, we desired “love”.

There is no doubt that love is such an interesting topic to dive into, it calls on surface two major characteristics of life:beauty and commitment. Most people focus on the first part; they want to live the romantic moments, enjoy the delights of carefree times, and breathe the air of  Disney paradise. The second part, however, is more challenging—stressful and often unexciting—but it is the part that holds the key to growth and happiness.

More than a partner

The bible states that “love is patient, love is kind…” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8). As LGBTQ+ people, we spend much of our lives hiding and hating the versions of ourselves to fit into our families, religious communities, groups of friends, and society at large. The significant part of love in our lives has a price: our authenticity. We grow up convinced that love is conditional because of our personal experiences.

Unconsciously, in the cry of “I want a boyfriend/partner,” one may be seeking to feel seen, heard, and celebrated. It might be an excuse or hope to heal from childhood trauma or past wounds. Therefore, someone might be craving for love even though they still do not believe they deserve to be loved, making the job for their partner harder if not impossible because, instead of looking for partnership and companionship, they are unconsciously searching for a savior.

For Christians, this challenge can be even more pronounced. The image of God’s love, which is supposed to be unconditional, is often destroyed as queer individuals grow up hearing how disgusting they are in the eyes of God. Healing from such deep-seated trauma requires immense courage. Often, the partner one is looking for is also dealing with similar trauma, wounded pasts, and pain.

Find yourself

The honeymoon phase of couples we often see on social media is less helpful. We are easily all driven to want that instant of “love”, charm, and “happiness.” The fights, highs and lows, and misunderstandings not portrayed in those single pictures or videos seem nonexistent, leading us to believe something must be wrong with our relationship if we cannot have that kind of perfection.

Healing is key to finding your soulmate, partner, or companion. It comes in different forms and shapes. For some, a professional such as a psychologist or psychotherapist might be the best guide. For others, spiritual guidance and a better relationship with God could help unfold their wrong perceptions of themselves, of God, and of the world.

Before wondering why you don’t find love, ask yourself why you need it and what kind of partner you would be for the one who would date you. A true and honest answer to these questions can be the key to transforming your life. Being in the closet or not isn’t the problem, but it can play a major role in your dating life. Live a life that is ready to accommodate love when it shows up, not a constant desire of your imaginations